Rethinking everything

My life really is the unlikeable one. It's scary to be in my situation. It's nothing but promises. I have to go through a lot of obstacles before I attain my rightful place in life. There are too many memories blocking my way. There is too many childish thinking to change and develope. Nothing is too much though, I should be a fighter and a believer. I should be a true soldier of God. I'm going to learn the things I need to learn to evolve. I will no longer stay still and wait. Well, maybe wait a little. It is good to be patient and to practice patience.


- c'est moi, Janil

Stupid mistakes that can't turn back time

Omg, I made such a huge mistake. Now, I feel worse than anybody could, I think. I commented on a beautiful actress's picture of broiled/grilled meat, pertaining to an unappealing story of cannibalism. Honestly, believe me, I meant no harm! The story goes: A 29yr old Filipina was arrested in Thailand for the murder and the cooking of more than 30 people. She would host many parties for her friends, serving human meat. Yea, it is an appalling story and I don't know why, I ever thought of relating it to her picture. All I can do is say sorry but I and many people know that it's not enough. Now, so many people are hating on her picture!! Urrrgghh... ;( I'm so soo very sorry! Growing up in America, I forget that Filipinos are sensitive. I guess what I mean is that, in California, having something looking like human flesh or gory, isn't bad at all. I grew up and lived in Hollywood, it's called art! Oh fuck. ;(




- c'est moi, Janil

Location:Bethpage Dr,Palmdale,United States

The Adult Thing to do...

I am conflicted! I have such a complicated mind that even I just give up to understand myself. There are so many things I want to do in my life, I think I should just start doing them instead of complaining, thinking, saying "what if"s.

Well, here is my dilemma: I got laid off in the week of Valentine's day, making myself unemployed for officially 8 weeks now. Yes, I have been looking for work, but I can't deny that I'm enjoying the leisure time. If my conscience weren't killing me about not working or going to school, I would have a lot of fun. But the fact of the matter remains that my family needs all the help they can get, my sister is the only provider in the house. I feel bad, but I'm tired of not living my life. Compared to a lot of people my life is the sweetest thing. My family is understanding in a lot of ways, I love them. I do feel spoiled a lot of the times but change has to happen, it has to start someway, somehow.  So my mom finally booked our trip with my sister's Godmother to Paris! I am so excited... kind of. Still thinking of the current financial issue, and thinking about the time I'll have with my mom, OMG! I mean she's not that bad to be with, but for a travel buddy? We're both just so vulnerable. I'm scared! Well, I had the weekend to ease it in until I am fully excited again about Europe! Then comes Monday morning, today, my dad rushes to my side handing me the phone. It was Bri from the staffing agency and I have an interview for tomorrow. Ugggh!!! I couldn't say no on the spot because I just woke up! I don't want that job she was offering me but why am I going to be picky?

What is the adult thing to do? I obviously have 3 options, 1) cancel the trip to Paris and do a super good job in the interview (I'm not sure if I'm getting it anyway). 2) don't cancel the trip, don't try at all in the interview. 3) settle in going to Paris, be hones with Bri.

After talking to my boyfriend about this, without hesitation he said, go to Paris! Looking over my situation again, I finally made a choice. I called Bri (it did not go well at all) and cancelled. I'm probably not going to have a job opportunity again from that agency. It seems such a childish thing to do. My decision does scare me, but then again, decisions never feel good %100.

Why go to Paris instead of taking the interview? Risks. I have too many times let good opportunities pass that I feel, now I am able to detect what is a better opportunity. As I'm typing, I'm realizing more and more that I made the right choice. Jobs, even in present economy, is attainable. Paris, is a different country, different culture, it's the outside that I have been looking for! Maybe the experience won't be what I'm expecting but, at least I have good expectations. With this job opportunity, that's what it was, just an opportunity to a work that isn't even in my field of expertise. That sounded funny just now because I'm not an expert at all, of anything. LOL. France, whether good or bad, is going to be an escape from this current life. I know, it's going to answer a lot of my questions.

For myself, my future family, for the experience.

purpose of living

Life is full of choices but I'm a strong believer of fate. We can move any way we want but we only have one destined ending. We live day by day, moving closer to that ending. Religious or spiritual people call it mission. They believe that everybody has a mission in life and that it shouldn't be led in vain. If you do believe that life is more than everyday struggles, then what do you think we should be looking ahead? When we walk with our head held forward, what are we looking for, what are we supposed to see?

Maybe you still don't understand what I'm getting at, and I don't blame you, I do tend to talk in riddles. I always leave blank spaces, as if everybody should know what I thinking, what I am talking about. What I am trying to snag or realize or resolve is the purpose of life. If its main purpose is to simply be the best, according to social norms, then baby I am way held back. That means, my life is already over and that living day by day struggles have no more point. That just sounds so boring and upsetting. I could talk and talk all I want but what would be the use? My life is done anyways...But it's not. I'm still alive, I'm still breathing.

I'm the type that likes to live subtly. I don't like getting a lot of attention because I react badly. Good or bad, I just rather live unnoticed. If you're saying that I have no more purpose in life, then why should I stay a burden to my sister, who works so hard? Why should I hassle my boyfriend, when I'm clearly not deserving? This theory just makes life sound so horrible and ungraceful. Maybe I should just kill myself.

That's where religion comes to play. In Catholicism, suicides are an immortal sin. Mortal? Immortal? That is because you are playing God. You as a mere mortal, are only borrowing the body which God lovingly bestowed on you to fulfill the mission you are assigned. That is also to say that your life is not really yours, but His. He loves you and wants you to enjoy that life, but the bigger fact remains, Don't Forget the Mission. You cannot end your life because only He can say when you come back home. Home, meaning Heaven with Him. A lot of people can't really grasp that idea, it's too silly, not to mention hard to believe.

If you believe in a God, then you know that there is a mission that you are meant to find and fulfill. Yes, yes, we're just going around the topic now. That is my dilemma. How do we get pass that topic and put it in to action? What choices do we make now? There are too many missing signs...

write it down 'til it starts making sense

Feelings of the day: Thirsty! or maybe beyond thirsty!

in search for something... excited?

Tired and fed up!

Too many things are in my head and one solution I can think of is, Shrink!

I've seriously been considering getting a life coach. I want one I can trust of course, and it wouldn't hurt if they were free. Nothing is free anymore. Advice is free? give me a good one then I'll tell you if it was an advice in the first place. It's been a while since any of my blog has ever had a decent structure. Well i think it's alright. I've always intended my blog to be as an exact copy of my identity. If you ask me, yea I am all over the place. When you'll see my blog in order, then you'll know that maybe my life is in order. I say a lot of contradicting things. I say things like, "pick anything, but I like that one". LMAO. I notice it many times, but many a time too late. If it's not too late, I just rather not take it back. Look at this blog, what am I even writing about? Feelings. Free writing. LIFE IS ART. Maybe I'll make more sense tomorrow,.... :)

What has happened to me?

I am super ashamed to admit this, but I am exhausted.
And of what? The shameful part of it is that I have nothing to be physically exhausted about.
I've just been at home since my lay off, and do not even have school to worry about.

Just 10 minutes of Brazil Butt Lift and my ass is whooped! No more! NO MORE! of sweets... but how can I? There is nothing to try anymore because I am confident that this has to be dealt through power of mind. I am in desperate need of a life coach please!